The end of the old me.... I am pressing the play button on my new life

So here I am. It's just me in Panera. I got a gift card for my birthday and went all out! Hot cocoa, a scone, and a chipotle chicken sandwhich. It's weird to be here. Just a week ago I was headed back to the mental health facility in Virginia Beach General Hospital for the second time. It has been a journey of self realization and gut wrenching mental anguish. How do I just go back to my life after that. After being so sad and that feeling of desolation to sitting here... I am a part of society again. I have met people I will never forget and hugged people that are in desperate and deplorable situations. I am thankful for their kindness to me and for them sharing their world with me. I am thankful for a place that is safe (think prison) and where people are stuck with themselves. It's a place where you can't hide behind makeup and cute outfit. No one cares about what you're wearing (because you're probably wearing scrubs.... I miss scrubs) and it's not unusual to see people sobbing in the halls. We bore our souls and told the most appalling secrets. It's a place where we have no phones to hide behind and the staff wants to talk to you about your deepest darkest thoughts. It's completely safe. I spent hours coloring, reading Sherlock Holmes, crying, and staring out the window. I spent 10 days in there... 7 the first time and then back for 3. I am a changed person. To get to the hysterical point where you are shaking and sobbing in your doctors office... I could see concern in their faces. I wish there was a switch you could flip to make you fine again and able to calmly have a conversation. I just wanted to slip away... Disapear into nothingness... I just wanted to die. It was a burden too heavy to bear and I felt that I was failing in every area. As a wife... as a mom (that's the part that I hated myself for), and a homemaker. I felt guilt for everything even things I could not change. My poor husband. I have screamed at him and sobbed on his shoulder. I was a hurricane of emotions. I left my house several times with every intention of not going home... I had plans to die. But the faces of my sweet babies danced through my head and I would return to them. They need a mom. I can't screw up their lives that bad. So I made the descion to go to the er and say I need help. Brian's mom stayed at my house and did a marvelous job while I was gone. People provided meals and loved on my family. I felt so supported. And I am amazed by the practical ways my friends showed me how much they care. But I still felt bad. It's quite a job to manage the five kids and the house and a mountain of laundry. It was so strange to sit in silence... With no agenda... With meals and snacks provided and a nice little schedule. I needed the rest and silence more than I knew. Visiting hours were 7:30pm -8:30pm... I could have two visitors and no one under 18. Time in that place crept by so slowly.