Happiness

1. hap·py

   ˈhapē/

   adjective

   1. 1. 

      feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.

      "Melissa came in looking happy and excited"

      synonyms:

      cheerful, cheery, merry, joyful, jovial, jolly, jocular, gleeful, carefree, untroubled, delighted, smiling, beaming, grinning, in good spirits, in a good mood, lighthearted, pleased, contented, content, satisfied, gratified, buoyant, radiant, sunny, blithe, joyous, beatific; More
   2. 2. 

      fortunate and convenient.

      "he had the happy knack of making people like him"

      synonyms:

      fortunate, lucky, favorable, advantageous, opportune, timely, well timed, convenient

   I have been feeling a lot better. Some days more so than others. I am still dealing with a lot of trembling which really bothers me. I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be happy. It is something that we want. We are told by society and most advertisements that we deserve to be happy. And they say stuff like if you get this or have this then you will be happy. Is it the feeling of euphoria when you are with your best friend? Is it that feeling of contentment when you look around a room you think is beautiful? I think happieness is a choice. It takes determination to be happy in the midst a situation you wouldn't choose for yourself. I think that in order to "be happy" it would require you to look around and choose things that you are thankful for and to observe the simple beauties around you. And in doing this I think you would descover that feeling of happiness and joy. My life can be really stressful and overwhelming. As I have been going through this season of emotions I often think "what the heck was I thinking?!" Having five kids in seven years is hard. It means I don't just don't get time for me. Taking a shower is pretty much a spa experience. It's quiet and no one is touching me. But those five healthy, beautiful children make my life matter. I adore them and I find joy in caring for them. I love when they have full tummys... I love when they are in bed and they have sleepy little eyes and they yawn.... I love when they wake up and their eyes light up when they see me.... I love when they squeeze my neck and their tiny arms just barely touch in the back.... I love to hear them playing and laughing with each other. I am glad that they have so much fun playing together. So part of me thinks that I must do stuff only for me and only then I will be happy. But I am going to challenge myself daily to choose joy in every situation and I really do think that I will find that I am happy. 

   
   

   

   photo credit - jenni dowling 

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

The end of the old me.... I am pressing the play button on my new life

So here I am. It's just me in Panera. I got a gift card for my birthday and went all out! Hot cocoa, a scone, and a chipotle chicken sandwhich. It's weird to be here. Just a week ago I was headed back to the mental health facility in Virginia Beach General Hospital for the second time. It has been a journey of self realization and gut wrenching mental anguish. How do I just go back to my life after that. After being so sad and that feeling of desolation to sitting here... I am a part of society again. I have met people I will never forget and hugged people that are in desperate and deplorable situations. I am thankful for their kindness to me and for them sharing their world with me. I am thankful for a place that is safe (think prison) and where people are stuck with themselves. It's a place where you can't hide behind makeup and cute outfit. No one cares about what you're wearing (because you're probably wearing scrubs.... I miss scrubs) and it's not unusual to see people sobbing in the halls. We bore our souls and told the most appalling secrets. It's a place where we have no phones to hide behind and the staff wants to talk to you about your deepest darkest thoughts. It's completely safe. I spent hours coloring, reading Sherlock Holmes, crying, and staring out the window. I spent 10 days in there... 7 the first time and then back for 3. I am a changed person. To get to the hysterical point where you are shaking and sobbing in your doctors office... I could see concern in their faces. I wish there was a switch you could flip to make you fine again and able to calmly have a conversation. I just wanted to slip away... Disapear into nothingness... I just wanted to die. It was a burden too heavy to bear and I felt that I was failing in every area. As a wife... as a mom (that's the part that I hated myself for), and a homemaker. I felt guilt for everything even things I could not change. My poor husband. I have screamed at him and sobbed on his shoulder. I was a hurricane of emotions. I left my house several times with every intention of not going home... I had plans to die. But the faces of my sweet babies danced through my head and I would return to them. They need a mom. I can't screw up their lives that bad. So I made the descion to go to the er and say I need help. Brian's mom stayed at my house and did a marvelous job while I was gone. People provided meals and loved on my family. I felt so supported. And I am amazed by the practical ways my friends showed me how much they care. But I still felt bad. It's quite a job to manage the five kids and the house and a mountain of laundry. It was so strange to sit in silence... With no agenda... With meals and snacks provided and a nice little schedule. I needed the rest and silence more than I knew. Visiting hours were 7:30pm -8:30pm... I could have two visitors and no one under 18. Time in that place crept by so slowly.